说完伸手胡噜我的头顶，说：“really sorry for letting you worried. But das freut mich sehr.(真的对不起让你担心了，但看到你为我担心，这让我很高兴)”

哥哥停了一会儿又说：“so…are you still mad at me?”

当哥哥手胡噜我头时，眼泪已经眼眶里打转儿了。

于是含着泪说：“No, in fact I never mad at you two.

I don’t know why. I just trust you. Believe that you two will never hurt me.

You and Alex are not the part I mad at, myself is the part I mad at.

I feel ugly and disgusting about myself.”

说到这儿的时候控制不住哭出来了，语调都变了。

坐在沙发上，上半身弯下，手捂着脸趴在自己膝盖上接着说：

“Alex was right. I want both of you.

I like both of you, but in different way.

You make me safe and comfortable. I like the feeling to be with you, you always can make me laugh.

For Alex, I feel like I couldn’t resist him. Every time when I saw him, I even can’t remember who I am. He gives me the highest happiness as well as the worst sadness.

It’s all my faults. The relationship about we three is just too ugly. I feel myself so disgusting.”

哥哥边拍我后背边说：

“Don`t say that. It`s not.

Listen to me. Don`t think too much. Just focus on the present.

We are happy, so just let it be.

You have to be stronger.

I will help you. I will be there for you. I back you up. I help you to handle that emotional problem.

Don’t be an avoider.

At the very beginning, I already knew you like him that much.

Even I can face that feeling, why couldn`t you?

Please promise me never run away, ok?”

我抬起满是泪的脸看着哥哥说：“Maybe I’m not good enough for Alex…I should just give up.”

哥哥：“No. You don`t know how wonderful you are.”

露珠：“You won’t feel sad again if I get close to Alex?”

哥哥犹豫了一下，说：“Don`t know.”

露珠：“If I leave you two, no one will get hurt.”

哥哥：“Not a good decision. We will work though this strange thing. Let’s face it together.”

露珠：“That`s too complicated. It is more easier to live alone...”

哥哥：“No more alone. These days are over since you met me.”

露珠：“I just automatically keep away from complicated things.”

哥哥：“I know…I know that feeling. But from now on you are forbidden to go away. I like you to be there around me. You don`t have to do anything. Just your presence for me is pure happy.”

其实还有一肚子的反驳词，但没再说。

从书包里拿出鲸鱼画【已贴图】，

边吸鼻涕边说：“I hope you will be like this whale, no matter what things happen in the future, you will always have the strength to jump out of the troubles.”

哥哥一只手轻轻划过我的脸颊说：“anything but losing you.”

当时本来已经收住的情绪被哥哥这一句，又全出来了，哭的直出汗。

哥哥接着说：“I want Alex get back to work again.

I want him to quiet the smocking.

I want him have the real life not just everyday sitting in the room watching TV and playing games.

Can you help me to change him together? I need you here.”

我哭着点头。

哥哥说：“Go wash your face. And cook with me. Later when Alex come back we watch grey’s anatomy together.”

我嗯了一声就跑去厕所洗脸。

出来正准备换鞋时，Alex回来了。

于是我俩站门厅一块儿脱鞋，

Alex鞋一脱下来，那噎人的臭味儿感觉嗓子都闭合了，

赶快用手捂上，正准备找奶牛鞋穿上，

Alex一把抽走我脚下的奶牛鞋，

然后就往我鼻子下放，特别生气的说：“Smell yours!! You also stink!!”

我迅速站起来躲开，捂着鼻子说：“I know I also stink, but that doesn’t mean I need to smell it.”

然后Alex又蹲下，一手抓住我的脚腕抬起，另一只手拿着奶牛鞋往我脚上一套，说：“stupid cows miss their stupid owner.”