Chapter 37 June 1811: At Drottningholm Castle

The night sky spreads like green silk over the park outside my window. Although its the middle of the night, it isnt dark. I never can sleep unless I draw the curtains. Tonight I cant sleep even behind the curtains. My mind is too full of anxious thoughts. Tomorrow Im going back to France.

Yes. Tomorrow I shant be called the Crown Princess any more. I shall be called the "Countess of Gothland" instead. Then I neednt behave like a royal person on my journey.

I shall miss Jean. I shall miss little Oscar too. When I see him again, he wont be my child at all. Hell be a real prince, with a truly royal manner.

For several weeks the people at court have looked at me strangely. They cant believe that Im really going. Perhaps they dont want me to go. But I shant change my plans now. Its too late for that. I only came here, to Drottningholm, for one reason. I wanted to see the famous Vasa castle where Oscar will spend his summers.

Tonight Their Majesty held a special dinner party for me. After dinner we danced. I danced with Morner, and with several ministers. Last of all, I danced with Count Brahe.

After the dance, I said to him: "Its hot in here. Id like a breath of fresh air."

We went outside and sat down under a tree. "count Brahe," I began, "I want to thank you for everything that youve done for me. You must forgive me for disappointing you."

He bent his dark head. "If you wish me to go with you, Your Highness---"

"No, count, no! Its a very kind offer, but my husband needs you here. He trusts you and Morner more than anyone."

His next words surprised me. "I beg you not to go. Your Highness. You have chosen the wrong time for your journey."

"The wrong time. What do you mean?"

He turned his head away. "A letter came from Tsar. I cant tell you the details but---" He paused. Something was worrying him seriously. At last he went on: "It could have an effect Your Highnesss marriage."

My marriage! What could the Tsar say about my marriage? I begged Brahe to explain. He didnt want to. He had already said too much. But in the end he told me: "The Tsar and the Emperor both want us to fight for them. We have to choose between them. The Tsar called your husband My dear cousin and he added I invite you to become a member of my family."

At last I understood. I remembered Napoleons divorce. He married the Austrian Emperors daughter so as to get his help in war. Now the Tsar wants jean to divorce me and to marry a Russian princess instead.

"Thank you, count Brahe," I said. "Your secret is safe with me. I wont let anyone know that youve told me. But it doesnt make any difference. Im going to France."

He still wanted to argue. I didnt let him. I thanked him again and shook his hand. Then I added: "The Swedish court doesnt like our French friends; so Villatte will go back with me. He was my husbands most trusted friend. I want you to take his place. My husband will be very lonely when Villatte and I have gone. Good night, count. I shall see you tomorrow before I leave."

Now its two oclock in the morning, and the earliest birds have begun to sing. What will happen when I have gone? Brahes words are still fresh in my memory. Has the Tsar any daughters? Or sisters? I hate the thought, but I cant push it out of my mind.

I was writing that sentence when Jean came into my room; so I didnt have to spend my last night alone. But I couldnt ask him about the Tsar. If I had done so, young Brahe would have been in trouble.

Morning came too soon, and I had to say goodbye to Oscar. He tried hard to hide his tears. The Queen put her hand on his shoulder, but he shook it off.

"Mama, its so beautiful here. Cant you stay?" he begged.

I took him into my arms. "god will protect you, my darling boy," I said.

His hair had the fresh sweet smell of summer. He must have had a ride through the park before breakfast. I was glad that he was happy at Drottningholm.

"Promise me that hell go to bed every night at nine oclock," I said to the queen.

Jean answered for her: "Well take good care of Oscar. And Count Rosen will take care of you."

Count Rosen is Brahes best friend. They are both good-looking young noblemen. I like Rosen, but I was very sorry to say goodbye to Brahe.

I got into the coach. La Flotte sat beside me. Villatte and Rosen sat opposite us. Marie and Yvette were in another coach, with the bags. As we drove through the castle gates, La Flotte said: "We havent any new summer dresses. As soon as we reach Paris, we must go to the shops."

I wasnt listening to her. I was looking out of the window. Fair-haired children were standing beside the road. They waved, and I waved back. I was missing Oscar already.