Chapter 36 The Same Evening: I've Decided To Go Ho

An officer stood outside the study door. He didnt want me to go straight in. "First I must tell His Highness that youre here," he said.

When I objected, he started explaining: "Custom demands this, Your Highness. For centuries---"

I pushed him aside. He looked as if I had stung him. "Dont worry," I said with a laugh. "You can keep your ancient customs when Ive gone away."

Ive never disturbed Jean in his study before, but today my problems couldnt wait. He was sitting at his desk, with three ministers. He was looking very tired. He often works from breakfast time till three oclock the next morning. The winter days are short in Sweden, so most of the time Jean has to work by lamplight. Its very bad for his eyes.

He invited me to sit down while they finished some business. Then ministers bowed to us both and walked backwards out of the room.

"Well, little girl? What do you want?" Jean asked.

"Im going, Jean. In summer, when the roads are better, Im going home, my darling," I said very gently.

His eyes opened wide. "Are you mad? This is your home. Here, in the royal castle of Stockholm. In summer we shall move to Drottningholm castle. Its a beautiful place in the country. Youll be happy there."

"No, I must go," I said firmly. And I repeated my conversation with the Queen.

He listened in silence till I had finished. Then he exploded.

"Why does everyone talk nonsense? First the ministers, then you! The queen and Her Highness have quarreled! Is that all? Listen, Desiree. The Queen is right. You dont always behave like a royal person. But youll learn, so dont let it worry you. Ive more important things to think about now. Do you know whats happening in the world?"

He rose and came towards me. "All Europe is getting tired of Napoleon. Even Russia is ready to fight him again. He knows that. So hes going to attack Russia first. The Tsar needs advice, and hell ask me for it. Why? Because I know Napoleon better than anyone."

Thats true, of course. Jean has often helped Napoleon to plan his wars. So he knows the Emperors mind. "Russia and Britain together will lead Europe against him," he went on. "Then Sweden will have to decide. Do we fight with Napoleon, or do we fight against him?"

"Would you fight against France?" I cried.

"No, Desiree. Napoleon and France are not the same thing. France never wanted to conquer the world. She only wants to live in peace. That wont be possible till Napoleon is completely defeated. So you cant go to Paris. You would be in the enemys hands."

"Listen, Jean," I replied. "You must understand two things. One is this: Napoleon wont touch me. My sister Julie is his brothers wife. In his heart, he himself still loves me. He could have held me in France last autumn. Instead, he gave me a sable fur.

"The other thing is this: If I leave Sweden, your position here will be stronger. The Queen will let you take all the old Kings powers. I only stand in your way, Jean, and I harm your efforts. So you must let me go."

He sat down beside me and put an arm round my shoulders. "I need you here. Desiree," he said sadly. "Oscar needs you too. If you leave Sweden, you may not be able to come back for a long time. Europe is going to be one big battlefield."

The thought of Oscar hurt me deeply. I would lose my son; but he too would be a better prince without me. "Oscar isnt a child any longer," I said. "Hes the future King of Sweden. Swedish teachers and Swedish officers are bringing him up, not I. Theyll bring him up as a real prince. No one will ever be ashamed of him." Tears were coming to my eyes as I added: "Hell miss me at first. Then his sense of duty will fill my place."

I put my head on Jeans shoulder and I cried. At last I got up and walked slowly to the door.

"Tell the King and Queen that I have to go south for my health," I said. "I shall spend next winter in Paris because Sweden is too cold for me. Tell them that."

I left the room quickly before he could reply.